What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
