I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
