u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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