dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
