Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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