Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
