Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
