At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
