I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
