i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
