I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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