Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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