Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
