I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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