no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
