they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
try to milk me bitch
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