nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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