There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
