All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
