He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
