she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
