saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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