My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
