I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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