i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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