So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
