Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
