Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
