I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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