i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
