I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
