I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I could fuck to npr.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
