Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
