EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
