Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
