As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
