it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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