I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
