my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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