Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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