peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
