FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
