Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
