Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
