dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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