it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
