Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
