Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
