she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I did not marry a roomba.
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