My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
