I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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